I have been a stepmom for 12 years, and most of the time, it is the world's most thankless job. In spite of loving my stepson like my own, I am always aware of my 'label' and the limitations it implies, both in the eyes of the culture and in practical ways. My stepson is delightful and we enjoy a close relationship, but his biological mother is, and should be, number one. I am blessed with a husband who values my relationship with his son, and my stepson's mother also is respectful of my role. I know many other stepmoms (and stepfathers too) that do not have those blessings. Regardless, to love without expectation is our lot, and it isn't easy. I recently discovered in my family research a letter from a stepmom's heart, written by a simple woman in her country way, full of tender love for the motherless children that became her own. I want to share a little of that story and honor her sacrificial love.Mollie Sydney Vaughan married Samuel Houston Jolly in 1883 in Texas. She moved with her new husband to Mississippi and had three children, Sydney, Laura and Leroy. In 1890, Mollie passed away. I have a letter from Mollie written in January, 1890, less than 9 months before her death. Here is the last paragraph:
"Roy wants to help me write and is bothering me so I will have to quit. You must excuse this short letter for I am not well enough to write at all will do better next time. Write soon to: Your loving sister, Mollie S. Jolly"
The next letter mentioning Mollie and Sam's family took me a while to decipher. The letter is from a Alma Jolly, written to Mrs. S. E. Vaughan in 1894. I eventually determined that it was written by the stepmother of Mollie's children, to their maternal grandmother. Here are some of the touching contents:
"Okolona, Miss
April 15th 1894
Mrs. S. E. Vaughan,
. . .The children are well and growing very fast. Roy is very near as large as Edna and he is just as cunning as he can be. And Edna don't like very much of being as tall as Sidny, and she is just as smart as she can be. She learns fast and can do so many things for a little girl her age and she is just as merry as a little bird and I think she is very pretty. Sidny is a very quiet child but he is the nicest child I ever saw to be a boy. I wish you could hear him spell he can spell very near every word in his word book ...Roy learns so fast that he hardly needs a book to get his lesson in. It would make you laugh to see him spell and wink his cunning eyes. . .
I don't have any trouble with the children whatever, they seem to think a great deal of me. I try to do my duty towards the children best I can. I know that I can't fill the vacancy in every respect - but I will ever endeavor to try to do my duty in every way. . .
Well I guess you would like to have a description of myself so I will give you a dot or two. I am a chunky little girl and only weigh 150 lbs., have dark hair and blue eyes. . .Mrs. Vaughan, I will correspond with you if it suit you. Yours most respectfully, Alma Jolly"
Almira Abernathy Jolly was Alma's full name, and sadly, she also died a few years later, leaving Laura, Sidney and Leroy motherless once again. Their father did remarry again, but I have no correspondence past the letter from Alma.
My heart goes out in sisterhood to other stepmoms, who have gotten a bad rap for hundreds of years. We understand how it feels to feel "second" best, to be left out of decisions about a child you love, to be judged based on your status of "step", stereotyped as evil, not given the courtesy of recognition as an important part of 'our' children's lives. We love anyway, and in that way learn a little how God asks us to love - unconditionally, freely, without hope of anything for ourselves. If the child succeeds in life, stepmoms will not usually be given credit. If the child has problems, the stepmom will often come up as a source of blame. It takes a lot of humility (and a good dose of keeping one's mouth shut!)to be a good stepmom. Heaven help(s)us.
I honor Alma for her love to the three children she treasured. I believe they were her own in her heart. Bless you little Alma.
