Through the looking glass, darkly

I used to have a recurring dream as a child that was terrifying and incomprehensible at the same time. I still cannot properly explain the content, except to say that, like Alice's tumble though the looking glass, it involved my becomming smaller and smaller, thinner and thinner, until at last I was about the size of a single piece of spagetti, and I knew that it would only be a matter of  time before I would cease to exist and there was nothing within my control to stop it

I had forgotten all about the dream until a few months ago, and I'm not sure what triggered the memory, except it was something in a discussion with my friend Terri about being invisible, and how close we have sometimes gotten to achieving it. The problem with trying to be invisible is (at least) two fold. Number one, you might suceed. Number two, you might become invisible to yourself, a very strong possibility for me.

An introvert by nature, my growing up years projected me into the spotlight in ways that I didn't choose. My family was somewhat conspicuous in our community, my mother was in a wheelchair, and my father was teaching in our midsize church-run school. (Comet Dust, Time after Time) We had few material resources when many around us were wealthy. Toss in the added attention that came with a gift of music, performing and being complemented on this regularly. If that sounds like it might be fun, it was not. It felt like an invasion of privacy for strangers to be giving compliments, when they didn't KNOW me at all. Just as it was an invasion to have casual acquaintances pry into the circumstances of our lives, or give a look of pity for our family's difficulties. I realized that I was in some way invisible in that moment. I noticed I couldn't seem to project who I was beyond and above being part of a particular family, part of a particular tragedy, more than talent, beauty or intellegence just handed to me through my dna.

There is one thing I have struggled to achieve all my life, and that is to get the inside and outside to match. Maybe feeling like I was invisible outside, I tried to be invisible to myself on the inside. I have almost succeeded many times.

I am aware that I will never really match the inside and outside perfectly, that what people see will always be through their own filters, how I imagine I am projecting myself will never be completely accurate. My dream, with the help of God and others, is to have the looking glass become more of an honest reflection, until there is less distortion between who I am and what I 'be.'

I invite all who venture here to be part of that process. If you notice me trying to be invisible, maybe it will help to know you still see me.